Tag: featured
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You Might Be a Single Parent If…
1) You hang the Christmas decorations on top of the Halloween decorations 2) You call your neighbor the nanny 3) You eat the last cup of noodle in the bathtub, not just to hide it but also because it makes the water feel warmer and TO GET SOME GOD DAMN PEACE FOR ONE SECOND 4) […]
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Biden Granted One Emotional Support Ice Cream Cart For Next Debate
In an unforeseen appeal, Joe Biden was able to secure the first emotional support ice cream truck in the history of American politics. After a barrage of interruptions, crude insults, and having to repress a great deal of muffled expletives, Biden is calling in reinforcements from his friends in the dairy industry. He’s taken his […]
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If You Aren’t a Parent (Or Even If You Are) Keep Your Parenting Opinions to Yourself
This editorial is a response to this article. I really need to take a moment to speak up for moms, and for kids with Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD) here. I hate these clickbait articles that are just glorified mom-shaming for sport. In light of my current avalanche of responsibilities, gratuitously overflowing plate, and conversely meager […]
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Going Green: Starbucks Now Offering All Drinks At Room Temperature
To support Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez’s proposed new Green Deal, Starbucks has announced it will serve all its drink offerings at room temperature to save energy. When approached for comment, Howard Schuktz, Starbucks’ ex-CEO said “I wouldn’t really call them ‘luke-warm,’ we prefer to call them ‘temperature-neutral’ drinks. I also don’t agree with the term ‘customer’ so […]
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Scam Alert: Door To Door Cryotherapy Really Just Snow-Swirlies
Seattle residents are warned to be on the look out for door to door salesmen roaming local neighborhoods swindling locals with a discount Cryotherapy scam. “It sounded like a great deal,” said Shirley De Santiago of White Center, “but when I paid them the $20 they told me to strip down to my skivvies and […]
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Pony Bar More Open Than Ever As Eight Inches Arrive In Seattle
The Pony is among the few Seattle bars on Capital Hill to remain open in spite of a prolific state-wide snow storm. Undeterred by the snowfall, Pony club goers actually seemed quite excited to about the record number of inches to be received. “Who doesn’t love getting hammered by eight inches?” said club regular Freako […]
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I Didn’t Believe In Climate Change Until Toni Collette Didn’t Get An Oscar Nomination for Hereditary
Sure, there’s been a lot of buzz around polar vortex blasts, record low temperatures, even numerous reported casualties in sub -50°F weather across the United States, but I wasn’t convinced this whole “Climate Change” thing was real until the Academy failed to nominate Toni Collette for an Oscar for her leading role in the film […]
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I Didn’t Believe In Global Warming Until Toni Collette Didn’t Get An Oscar Nomination for Hereditary
Sure, there’s been a lot of buzz around polar vortex blasts, record low temperatures, even numerous reported casualties in sub -50°F weather across the United States, but I wasn’t convinced this whole “Global Warming” thing was real until the Academy failed to nominate Toni Collette for an Oscar. What clearer sign could there be of […]
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IT Staff Try Turning US Government Off and On Again
In a last ditch effort to jump start the government, the US Senate’s IT staff have decided to try turning the government off and on again. “It’s so crazy it just might work!” said Kyle Aguila, a Tech Support Engineer at the US Capitol Building. who has been working unpaid during the shutdown . “We’ve […]
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Black Light Reveals GOP Covered In Toxic Masculinity
It was an unexpected surprise during 70’s Rollerskating Night at the GOP when the black light revealed the Republican Party is covered in toxic masculinity. “I just thought I spilled some of my mom’s creamy potato chowder on myself,” said Ted Cruz, as he covered his fingers in saliva and tried to rub out the […]
Fartistic 