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I Didn’t Believe In Global Warming Until Toni Collette Didn’t Get An Oscar Nomination for Hereditary
Sure, there’s been a lot of buzz around polar vortex blasts, record low temperatures, even numerous reported casualties in sub -50°F weather across the United States, but I wasn’t convinced this whole “Global Warming” thing was real until the Academy failed to nominate Toni Collette for an Oscar. What clearer sign could there be of […]
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IT Staff Try Turning US Government Off and On Again
In a last ditch effort to jump start the government, the US Senate’s IT staff have decided to try turning the government off and on again. “It’s so crazy it just might work!” said Kyle Aguila, a Tech Support Engineer at the US Capitol Building. who has been working unpaid during the shutdown . “We’ve […]
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Black Light Reveals GOP Covered In Toxic Masculinity
It was an unexpected surprise during 70’s Rollerskating Night at the GOP when the black light revealed the Republican Party is covered in toxic masculinity. “I just thought I spilled some of my mom’s creamy potato chowder on myself,” said Ted Cruz, as he covered his fingers in saliva and tried to rub out the […]
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Search Continues For Woman Lost In Infinity Scarf
Karen Johnson has been missing since Tuesday morning and was last seen wearing a black, oversized infinity scarf. She was last heard saying, “Brr! It’s lookin’ chilly out there,” before she disappeared in the doorway of her Kirkland, Washington home. “Karen had been experimenting with infinity scarves for awhile now,” said her husband, Greg Johnson, […]
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BDSM Nachos Have No Safe-Word
These nachos are bad, REAL bad. I mean like NAUGHTY bad. They want your mouth on ‘em, and they’re just BEGGING for it! They don’t want a safe word and they don’t need one. They don’t want you to stop, no matter how much they try to wriggle away from your greased hands. THAT is […]
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Seattle Reinforces Toilets To Withstand Violent Coffee Shits
To ensure public safety, the City of Seattle has issued a public ordinance to mandate that all toilets be reinforced in order to withstand the violent coffee shits that have become a staple of the city’s coffee culture. Seattle Mayor Jenny Durkan has declared a city-wide plumbing emergency after escalating instances of exploding porcelain toilets […]
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Swingers Party Full Of Substantially Less Attractive People Than Expected
Seattle area couple Shayla and Christine Williams stayed for a total of 16 and a half minutes at a local swingers party, when confronted with much less attractive attendees than expected. “We’ve always had a very open and sensual relationship,” said Christine, “but there is no amount of openness that could have made us stay […]
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13 Times Rachel’s Dad Was Full Of Shit
My best friend Rachel’s dad, Darryl, is such a total bummer and A LIAR! Here are 13 times he was soooooo full of shit: Darryl says he was in the army, but he won’t tell us where he got to go and always says he, “doesn’t want to re-live it for our entertainment,” whatever that […]
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Gynecologist Commits To Getting More Hands-On in 2019
As the new year begins, many people are making resolutions to ensure 2019 is their best year yet, and that’s no different for our local medical professionals. Doctor Heisenberg Gropenstein has been working as an OB-GYN for the last 26 years, but this year, he has committed to getting more hands-on in his day to […]
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