Category: News
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Tesla Self-Driving Cars To Dodge All Obstacles Except Putin
Tesla CEO Elon Musk announced Monday that he would release an upgrade for all of Tesla’s self-driving cars to dodge all organic life forms with the exception of Russian President, Vladimir Putin. This highly anticipated upgrade, branded as “Putin-Overdrive”, will immediately be available to the public as shareware. “I already offered to fight him in […]
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Teenagers Body-shaming Billie Eilish Test Positive For Oedipus Complex
After stepping outside without any sleeves on, the internet was set afire with body-shamers criticizing Billie’s Eilish‘s figure, calling it a “mid-30’s wine mom bod.” In a truly Freudian slip-of-fate, medical results from the critics have just come back positive, indicating what we all suspected, a full blown case of Oedipus complex. Does Billie Eilish’s […]
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Trump Asks Physician Which Disinfectant Will Hurt The Least as a COVID Vaccine
With his extensive array of imaginary medical degrees, Trump is confident that one of the many disinfectants available in the Oval Office can cure his COVID-19, but he just doesn’t want the prick to hurt too bad. He’s asked his physician for advice on which might be the least painful, with disappointing results. “Please don’t […]
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Biden Granted One Emotional Support Ice Cream Cart For Next Debate
In an unforeseen appeal, Joe Biden was able to secure the first emotional support ice cream truck in the history of American politics. After a barrage of interruptions, crude insults, and having to repress a great deal of muffled expletives, Biden is calling in reinforcements from his friends in the dairy industry. He’s taken his […]
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Scam Alert: Door To Door Cryotherapy Really Just Snow-Swirlies
Seattle residents are warned to be on the look out for door to door salesmen roaming local neighborhoods swindling locals with a discount Cryotherapy scam. “It sounded like a great deal,” said Shirley De Santiago of White Center, “but when I paid them the $20 they told me to strip down to my skivvies and […]
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