Ask Ash – Advice from a Sub-Average Adult

Dear Ash,

What are your thoughts on relationships where the pace doesn’t match between the 2 people; because that is immediately what I am facing right now.

I have been talking to this guy since the week of Thanksgiving. We connected on a dating app and met almost a month after chatting. Just had a fourth date on Thursday. It’s been slow. I do feel that he likes me. He does always ask questions in every text exchange and keeps the conversation going, but he’s super inconsistent with messaging.

I’m ready to form a relationship. On our third date I asked if he was big on text messaging and he said, “No.” I asked if he was a phone person and he said, “No.” Then I asked, “Do you communicate?” and his response was, “In person, yes.” LOL! That is the extent of our discussion about communication so far.

I feel as if our courtship lost momentum after the third date but he’s still been messaging me haphazardly – which just leaves me confused and anxious! When I spend time with him there is definitely chemistry. We hit it off immediately when we first met. I am super attracted to him, which is why I don’t know what to do! Help!

Dear Anonymous,

Isn’t this just Pandemic Problem #1 that I keep hearing about over and over again? You are not alone in this struggle girl, for real. Let’s break this thing WIDE OPEN!

First of all, I feel you with the attraction vs. logistics conundrum. There is nothing worse than having your body telling you yes, and your operations manager telling you “Oh HELL no.” The thing is, you don’t want to go out in flames with this guy. We are grown-ass-women now. We are looking to settle down, so we do need to refer to our panel of experts, take a sip of our spritzer, a deep breath or two, and not let our emotions or our loins make these decisions like they did in our twenties any more. The bottom line is, you need an equal mix of physical attraction, habits, values, AND lifestyle to make a healthy relationship work with this guy – and that’s going to take time to reveal itself. Spoiler alert – sometimes your brain won’t want to accept when a red flag (or 2 or 20) has already revealed itself. If one of the other honey pots is already super sweet… but be honest with yourself, because reality only gets more real as time goes on.

Let’s move onto this phone stuff, because I have been hearing a lot of this going around. In case you haven’t noticed, planet Earth is going through a global pandemic, and that means humans are subject to lock-downs in a lot of areas including the United States. To minimize risk of transmission of this deadly virus, it is prudent to not spend a ton of time going out to public places socializing or talking to people face to face. So when I hear guys telling me they “don’t do text messaging” or “don’t do phones” or only do “in person” communication, you know what that says to me? They are selfish. They are not looking at the bigger picture of what their personal preference means, not only for the potential of your interpersonal relationship, but for the here and now of this global health crisis. We have to work with what we’ve got, dude, and if you can’t work a phone in 2021 to send a goddamn message to get to know someone, piss off and kiss my ass. Onto the next one, don’t waste your time. Believe me, you are worth the time for someone to pick up a phone and make a call, that and so much more.

We teach people how we want and deserve to be treated. If we allow them to tell us we don’t deserve calls or text messages, we may begin to believe that we don’t deserve these things, but we do. We all deserve what we want: love, happiness, a partner that appreciates and values us for who we are.

This pandemic has greatly amplified society’s moodiness. We are all tired, exasperated, lonely, over-extended – but don’t let yourself take that personally. You deserve everything you are searching for! Warmth and kindness and acceptance is out there for you… but whatever you do, don’t compromise. Find love through self love. Only accept love from those who love you as much as you love yourself, so make sure you love yourself the most. Then it should be a tough bar to meet.

So don’t let me down, Anonymous, I want you to report back and let me know you’ve made sure not to let any other stragglers slip through the cracks, and when I say cracks you know which cracks I’m talking about!

Hope this helps! Signing off as a just barely adulting adult!


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